HaveaniceconflictHowtofindsuccessandsatisfactioninthemostunlikelyplaces.LDRS400.pdf

Table of Contents
Praise for Have a Nice Conflict

Title Page

Copyright

Acknowledgments

About the Authors

Introduction

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Letter from John
Starr: Industries

John’s Notebook

Dr. Mac’s Statement of Philosophy: A Philosophical Approach to
Learning as Written from the Perspective of Dr. Mac Wilson

Character Assessment Results
The 7 Motivational Value Systems
Main Characters
Conflict Sequence
Summary of Character SDI Results
Supporting Characters

Praise for Have a Nice Conflict

“The authors seek to empower readers to become masters of their own conflict and control their own
lives. Have a Nice Conflict is a powerful read for anyone who wants to be able to diffuse life’s
conflicts more effectively.”

—The Midwest Book Review
“In telling the story of John Doyle, Have a Nice Conflict gives us an everyman who faces the same
conflicts—large and small—that each of us experiences every day at home and in the workplace.
Enter Dr. Mac, a combination of Marley’s ghost, Yoda, and Peter Drucker to guide John—and us—
through critical lessons in how to recognize, categorize, and deal with these conflicts. Within the
context of an easy-to-read, enjoyable story, the authors provide valuable lessons that everyone who
manages or works with people should know.”

—Mark Allen, professor, Graziadio School of and Management, Pepperdine University;
author, The Corporate University Handbook

“This book gives a positive and easy-to-remember methodology to deal with conflicts, both large and
small.”

—Peggy Thurmond, former CFO, McGladrey Capital Markets
“Have a Nice Conflict does a superb job of distilling key personnel concepts into a succinct format
that will be of great benefit to managers and employees alike. This narrative volume presents the
enduring management principles of psychologist Elias Porter in an eminently sensible and
approachable way. The authors use a case example to illuminate fundamental concepts in a manner
that is both compelling and readable. A definite addition to the personnel management bookshelf.”

—Morgan T. Sammons, dean, California School of Professional
“With many of the latest popular business books, I fail to make the link from theory to the practical
application of their contents, but because of the storybook format and application to relationships
beyond business, the link from theoretical to practical in Have a Nice Conflict was obvious. Once I
began seeing myself in the behaviors of one of the main characters, I couldn’t put it down. Have a
Nice Conflict heightened my understanding of Relationship Awareness Theory and kindled a desire to
learn more!”

—Jonathan McGrael, director, training and development, Arbor Pharmaceuticals
“A gem! This book is packed with secrets for resolving conflict and attaining success. Read it now!”

—Mike Song, coauthor, The Hamster Revolution: Manage Your Email Before It Manages You
“Turning conflict into opportunity is a blend of skill and art best not left to learning by trial and costly
error. The authors brilliantly take you through John Doyle’s personal and professional journey. I found
myself putting the insights to use the same day I read the book!”

—Ron Campbell, president, Center for Leadership Studies, Situational Leadership
“The best learning comes from stories, and you will not want to put this story down. The book is well
written and full of good wit, with memorable Relationship Awareness Theory throughout.”

—Susan M. Hahn, president, Swan Consulting Group, Inc.
“Have a Nice Conflict is the perfect resource to use in working with student groups, faculty, and staff.

The authors weave the theory and its practical application in a wonderful and humorous story. As the
student disciplinary officer of the college, I find it also a helpful tool in mediating conflict to a
successful outcome for all parties involved.”

—Nikki Schaper, associate dean, student services, MiraCosta College
“This engaging book wonderfully illustrates skills that will help you turn the conflicts of your daily
life into seeds of positive change—and it shows you how to do it!”

—Tony LoRe, CEO, founder, Youth Mentoring Connection/Urban Oasis

Copyright © 2011, 2012 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. Previously copyright by Personal Strengths
Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved.

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Acknowledgments

First and foremost, this book would not have been possible without the invaluable and practical theory of
relationship awareness developed by Elias H. Porter (1914–1987). Each of us has devoted a significant
portion of our careers applying these concepts with people in all walks of life and all types of
organizations. We are most grateful to the many people who invited us into their organizations and
allowed us to learn with them on difficult interpersonal conflicts.

Tim Scudder

Michael Patterson

Kent Mitchell

About the Authors

Tim Scudder, CPA, is the president of Personal Strengths Publishing, Inc., and has consulted with the
organization development, training, and human resources departments of many corporate, government,
education, and nonprofit organizations. The author of several experiential training programs, Tim is a
founding director of the Center for the Development of the Leaders at the California School of
Professional . He lives in Carlsbad, California, with his wife and three daughters.
Michael Patterson, Ed.D., is the vice president of business development for Personal Strengths USA.

Mike began his career as a U.S. Army officer and then spent twenty years in a variety of sales, marketing,
and training roles in the pharmaceutical industry. Mike is also a speaker and adjunct professor teaching in
the doctoral program at Pepperdine University’s Graduate School of Education and . He lives
in Aliso Viejo, California, with his wife and son.
Kent Mitchell is the vice president of communications for Personal Strengths USA and a produced and

award-winning writer and playwright. Before joining Personal Strengths, he ran an advertising design
agency in the Los Angeles area. Kent has actively worked with the principles and tools of Relationship
Awareness for over fifteen years. He lives in Long Beach, California, with his wife and son.
Personal Strengths Publishing, Inc., is based in Carlsbad, California, and serves customers through a

global network of interrelated distributors who offer products and services consistent with the ideas in
this book in three main categories:

1. Training and development services: direct training for teams and individuals
2. Train the trainer services: Strength Deployment Inventory (SDI) certification, co-facilitation, and
curriculum design
3. SDI and related products: self-assessments, workplace learning tools, books, video, and other
paper and electronic resources. The SDI is available in over twenty languages.

SDI assessments are available for use by certified facilitators who successfully complete the SDI
Certification training. Facilitators may be independent or employed by any type of organization. As such,
training and development services that incorporate the SDI are available from many individual
consultants and large consulting organizations. The capacity for delivery of these services can also be
developed within an organization’s training, human resources, organization development, or other similar
departments.

Introduction

In the story that follows, we explore the practical ideas of relationship awareness theory. Although this
tale is pure fiction, the situations were inspired by our real-world experiences in personal and
organizational development—and life in general.
We hope that this book will make accessible to you some of the principles of managing conflict

effectively. And when we say effective, we mean in ways that not only resolve the problem but also
strengthen the relationships of the people involved. We further hope that you will discover a new
understanding of people and learn new techniques that can reduce the amount of conflict you experience in
your life.
Much of this story focuses on the workplace. But as you will soon see, the principles of conflict

management explored here apply to the entire spectrum of your relationships—personal and professional.
Relationship awareness theory was developed over forty years ago and is being applied in some of the

world’s largest organizations. Those who are familiar with the theory (and the tools based on it) may
enjoy referring to the material that follows the story where we have provided the motivational value
systems and conflict sequences of our characters. And if you are not familiar with the theory, don’t worry.
That’s about to change.
Thank you for reading this book. We trust you will find something useful on this journey—something that

will help make your next conflict a nice one.

Chapter One

At exactly 3:07 in the afternoon, John Doyle concluded that this was the worst day of his career. He could
barely feel his feet hitting the floor as he retreated to his office, which now felt like a hundred grueling
miles from Human Resources. As he made his way back through the bustling office building, the HR
manager’s words repeated in his head until they lost all form and meaning. From her first words, he knew
what she was going to say. He could see it in her face as she rattled off the obligatory pleasantries. It felt
like an eternity before she got around to the point, and it was all he could do not to walk out in the middle
of it. Yet somehow he sat there, on the edge of his seat, praying he was wrong.
Finally, her face took on a tortured look he was sure she had practiced in the mirror beforehand. “I’m

sorry, John. You were not selected for promotion at this time.” The words that followed may as well have
been in Swahili. They bounced off him and littered the floor. Her weak offers of constructive feedback
were drowned out by the tornado raging in John’s head—thoughts of panic, embarrassment, exhaustion,
and anger swirled with ferocious intensity.
Now he was walking through the crowded bullpen of the sales department, his face burning, his limbs

tingling. Did they know? Were they staring? The infamous grapevine of Starr Industries was quite clear on
the matter. Although not an official policy, John knew that there was a three-strikes rule in the company:
get passed over for promotion three times, and you might as well start looking for another job. You were
damaged goods as far as senior management was concerned. John had just sat through his second strike. If
he could bring himself to look around, he was sure he’d recognize the looks on his coworkers’ faces. They
were watching a man whose career was racing toward a brick wall.
“How did it go?” The mere sound of Cassie’s voice made John nauseous.
Without even a glance at his sales assistant, he passed her desk and closed himself in his office. He

hated that Cassie knew his schedule. Granted, it was her job to know, but now he just wanted to be
anonymous—and anywhere but here. He wanted today to have been a bad dream. He was anxious to wake
up, wipe the sweat from his brow, and turn over.
But he was very much awake. His visit to HR was only the most recent gut punch in a day full of them.

John collapsed in his chair and stared at the wall. It wasn’t lost on him that a promotion to regional sales
manager would surely have meant an office with a window. For now, he had a wall. For light, he had the
cheap fluorescent tubes humming above him. He hated mediocrity and now felt bathed in it—confined by
it in his poorly lit, windowless office—all of it seeming to pour salt on his wounds.
He had always been proud of his life’s trajectory, his steady rise through the ranks. Working constantly

and driving hard for results had been his standard approach since college, and up until recently, it seemed
to be working. No one had ever questioned John’s commitment to the job or even his ability to deliver
results, but now that didn’t seem to be enough. Somewhere along the way, he’d been derailed. He just
couldn’t seem to break through this last barrier—he didn’t even know what it was—that was preventing
him from moving up. What was he doing wrong?
As the clock closed in on four, he thought of his family. How could he face them? In a few hours, he

would have no choice. It was J.J.’s first home game that night, and Nancy would have made sure that
everyone would be taken care of. The home of Saint Nancy—as he jokingly called her—was a warm
sanctuary where no child or husband was without proper nutrition and clean socks. He knew she would
take the bad news with cheery, uplifting words of support, but it made him no more eager to admit his

failure. Being late to the game? This is what made John most nervous. He was sickened by the irony that
his drive for success at Starr Industries had taken an obvious toll on his family. And he knew Nancy well
enough to know that Saint Nancy could quickly become Mt. Saint Helens when John fell short as an active
participant in the family.
Looking down at the papers on his desk, he was jolted out of his thoughts. Round one of the day’s

lopsided boxing bout had begun with a sucker-punch the second he entered his office. A single piece of
paper lay neatly on his keyboard—a faxed copy of Holly Styles’s letter of resignation. John had felt the
wind knocked out of him after reading only half a sentence.
Holly was John’s top-performing sales representative for three years running and an informal leader of

the team. John prayed that Holly had found a job in an unrelated industry, but he immediately began to
worry that she had been lured away by a competitor. He began to calculate just how many customers
might follow Holly to her new company and how hard it would be to find another salesperson with
Holly’s skill and ability to build relationships with clients. More than anything else, John worried about
how her departure would look in the eyes of senior management—especially since this was the second
superstar John had lost in as many months.
John checked his desk phone. The voice mail indicator remained dark. Why hadn’t Holly returned his

calls? Throughout the day, he had left messages on her cell phone, but so far he was met with only silence.
He wracked his brain, trying to recall any warning signs he might have missed. He had no idea she was
unhappy, let alone that she had intended to leave. She was making great money and had a number of large
deals in the sales pipeline. Nothing made sense. Had he been too hard on her? Pushed her too much?
Round two—the 9:00 A.M. teleconference with his team—had been notably awkward. Several people

asked why Holly was not on the call, and John felt a bit guilty playing dumb about it. He hadn’t felt
prepared to share the bad news yet. He knew there were rumors floating around about other team
members shopping their résumés, and he worried that Holly’s abrupt departure might fuel the flames of
discontent. He would need to approach that announcement carefully. Then again, maybe they all knew.
Maybe that’s why everyone was so quiet on the call. Did they know their boss was lying?
Round three began around 10:30 A.M., as John finally mustered the courage to call his manager, Gail, to

tell her that he had lost yet another top performer. Gail was not the shouting type. John could hear her
disappointment in the stilted gaps of silence. He couldn’t help feeling like a schoolboy in the principal’s
office as she began a piercing inquisition about what had happened: What signs of Holly’s resignation
should he have seen? How was he going to position this with the rest of the team? What was he doing
about Holly’s top five accounts? None of his answers seemed good enough for Gail, and the twenty-
minute conversation felt more like two hours.
It was round four with the HR manager that most left him reeling. His career aspirations were slipping

through his fingers. Everything he had been working so hard for all these years and the toll it had taken on
his family and his friendships now seemed wasted.
He found himself pacing his office when the bell rang for round five. It was the alert chime from his e-

mail. He prayed it was spam. On a day like today, black market pharmaceuticals and shady investment
advice would be a welcome change of pace. John clicked on the e-mail icon on his computer and
discovered several new messages. One subject line caught his eye: EXIT INTERVIEW RESULTS.
Opening the message, he could see the report was for Andy Ward, the sales rep he had lost about six

weeks ago. His HR representative was required to pass along feedback received during Andy’s exit
interview. John felt ill as he read the results: “I liked the company, and I liked the work, but I didn’t like
working for John. He didn’t make me feel like I was part of a team. It always felt like a competition. I hate

to say this, but John Doyle was the main reason I started looking for another job.”
John burned with feelings of betrayal. Andy had fabricated some excuse about wanting to start his own

business, and the whole departure had been very upbeat and civilized. John had even offered to serve as a
reference for him. Now he knew the truth, and he wasn’t the only one. Surely this report was contributing
to John’s ever-diminishing career prospects. The pounding of John’s heart seemed to shake his whole
body.
There was a timid knock on his door that he knew to be Cassie’s. John closed out of his e-mail program

and tried to compose himself. “What?”
Cassie poked her head in. “May I?”
John waved an arm, motioning her in.
“Sorry to bug you. It’s just—I didn’t know if you wanted me to do anything,” said Cassie.
“About what?” John had been assaulted from so many fronts; he couldn’t imagine what she was talking

about.
“About Holly,” she said. “A few clients have called. I’m not quite sure what I should be telling them.”
Something inside John snapped into place. A surge of adrenaline seemed to seize him, dragging his

body from the dark caverns of his mind. It was time for action. If he was going to survive this day, he’d
have to step up and start swinging.
“Route her calls to me,” he said. “In the meantime, I need you to print me a list of her clients with

contact information and annual sales.”
He grabbed the phone and began to dial.
“Year-to-date?” she asked as she made her way to the door. But he had already turned away. With a roll

of her eyes, Cassie left him alone.
“Hi. Walter Freeman, please,” he said into the phone. “Yes, John Doyle.”
John’s knee began to bounce rapidly, as he was put on hold. Walter Freeman was John’s oldest customer

and his biggest. John had landed the account as a hungry, naive young kid, right out of college. Walter had
relented to John’s persistence, mostly because he was entertained by him—impressed by what he called
John’s “gumption.” In the years that followed, Walter had become something of a mentor and friend. John
was a frequent guest at business parties, and Walter had even invited Nancy and him to join him for an
overnight cruise on his yacht. But that was years ago. John’s rise to sales manager left little time for
account management, so he placed Walter’s business in the capable hands of his brightest salesman. But
six weeks earlier, John had been forced to explain to Walter why Andy would no longer be representing
his account. And as luck would have it, Holly had been Andy’s replacement. It was time for major damage
control.
The other line was answered by Walter’s assistant. “Walter Freeman’s office.”
“Hi, Florence. It’s John Doyle. Can I speak to Walter?”
“I’m afraid not. He’s in a meeting.”
“Do you know when he’ll be out?”
“Four thirty, but he won’t be able to call you back. He’s jumping straight into a taxi to make a six thirty

to Chicago.”
John placed the receiver to his forehead, squinting in frustration.
“I can leave him a message,” she offered apologetically.
John looked at his watch and hung up the phone without leaving a message. He haphazardly tossed the

array of papers from his desk into his briefcase and launched from his chair.

John drummed the steering wheel of his aging BMW. There was no music, only the endless monologue

of his thoughts, drowning out the muffled noise of the city streets surrounding his parked car. The
downtown headquarters of Freeman-Davis Group occupied a building that stretched well above John’s
line of sight. In his parking spot near the main entrance, he began to wonder if this was what a stalker felt
like—an uneasy fusion of adrenaline and boredom.
He debated how Walter might interpret his unannounced appearance. In the end, though, John figured it

was this kind of assertiveness that cemented their personal and professional relationship in the first place.
And the fact was that John couldn’t afford to lose Walter’s business.
Finally, he saw the old man push through the front doors. Walter had to be seventy years old by now, but

he still exuded that special something that made people look his way and ask, “Who’s that guy?” John
often wondered whether this aura came as a result of Walter’s success or whether it was the reason for his
success. Either way, it was impressive to behold.
John got out of his car just as Walter’s taxi pulled up to the curb.
“Mr. Freeman!” John shouted. The street noise was louder than he had realized. He began to jog.

“Walter!”
The taxi driver was taking the suitcase before Walter noticed John approaching.
“My God, Johnny. Is that you?”
“How are you, sir?” John asked as Walter offered a hug.
“Fine. Just fine,” he replied. “What are you doing on this side of town?”
“I was hoping to talk to you.”
“No can do, son. Got a plane to catch.”
“Let me drive you,” John replied.
The taxi driver was about to close the lid of the trunk. He shot dagger eyes at John. “Naw, naw, naw. No

way, man.”
John shoved two twenty-dollar bills into the driver’s shirt pocket and yanked Walter’s suitcase from the

trunk.

John eased his car onto the clogged freeway and cursed under his breath. John could feel Walter

watching him. He glanced over and saw the calm grin of a man who expected everything to go his way
and was rarely proved wrong.
“Sir?”
“Why are you really here?” Walter asked, studying John’s face.
“I just felt really terrible about—”
Walter interrupted. “Yeah, yeah. Holly flew the coop. You feel like a schmuck. I heard you the first

time.” Walter had a way of being brutally honest that somehow made you feel completely safe yet
completely exposed. “What went wrong with Holly?”
“I honestly don’t know,” John admitted, his tone a little too defensive for his own taste. “She was

making a boatload of money. Topped all the sales contests. I told her every day she was a superstar. Hell,
that’s why I wanted her on your account.”
“Is she you?”
“Excuse me?”
“You just listed all the reasons she should have been happy with her job,” Walter explained, “but those

are your reasons. What were her reasons? What were the other kid’s reasons?”
“Andy?”
“Was he you?”
“No,” John exclaimed, frustrated. “It’s sales, Walter. It’s goal, target, lock ‘n’ load.”
“To you.”
“Well, that’s the most effective way.”
Walter smiled and watched the lane of cars next to him ease slowly by.
John hated the riddles. Why couldn’t people just say what they meant? Walter made you work for

everything. John imagined that he made panhandlers answer questions before dropping a dollar bill in
their cup. Now Walter’s silence was killing him. “Well, isn’t it?” John asked.
“All I know is you’re quickly running out of soldiers, Lieutenant.”
The rest of the trip was silent. John wasn’t angry, but he was again deep in his own head, orchestrating a

flurry of thoughts and internal debates. As they pulled up to the curb next to the terminal, Walter pulled a
business card from his suit pocket, flipped it over, and began to write.
“You want to know the secret to success, son?”
“A creative CPA?” John joked.
Walter finished writing and clicked his pen. “Strategy, diplomas, business plans, loopholes in the

federal tax code—all great. Important stuff. But the lifeblood of any organization is people. Our lives in
general are all about people. You got conflict in your life? You’re choking off your blood supply. Your
success is going to turn blue and fall off. By the looks of it, I’d say it’s already looking a bit periwinkle.”
Walter handed John the card and climbed out of the car. On the back Walter had written a phone number

…